To say that her passing was hard on me would be the understatement of the century. I never knew my existence could be turned on its head so quickly. For anyone that has read the Twilight books, (Yes, I know, cheesy reference. Just bare with me.) you'll recall when Edward leaves Bella, the next few pages of the book have no text, just the name of a different month. She's more or less a skin shell walking around. If my life was a book...there would be about 7 or 8 pages with no text...just the name of a month. Sometimes there would be almost unimaginable pain. Sometimes there would be crippling guilt, because in my mind, if I would've done something differently, mom would still be here. Sometimes there would be anger. Most of the time though, there was nothingness. A big black hole floating around inside me, but that was better than the pain. I know it probably didn't seem like that at all to people looking in from the outside, but I've had years of practice at acting like things are ok when they're not.
Eventually, and after much argument with myself, I decided that it would be beneficial for me to start seeing a therapist. This was around the beginning of October. It's amazing to me that just saying stuff out loud can provide so much clarity and open up the mind for new ideas and revelations about ones self. I've discovered more stuff about myself then I went in for, but you know what? That's ok. I'm glad, because I need it. One of the most important things I've discovered, is that I need to figure out who I am without mom. I spent most of my life helping to take care of her, she was my entire world. Every thought, action, or move I made I did with her in the forefront of my mind. When we weren't living in the same house, I called and talked to her every single day, sometimes twice a day. She was literally, my entire world, she was how I defined myself. To lose that has been so disorienting, but it's forced me to really work on ME.
My second week of therapy, my therapist told me about a place called Celebrate Recovery, which is a Christ-centered recovery program for all of life's 'hurts, habits and hang-ups'. I went home, and did some research on it and went to my first meeting the very next day. Conveniently, there is a church that has that program 5 minutes from where I live. I was absolutely horrified the first time I walked through the doors. There I was. Not knowing anyone, feeling like a crazy person, trying to convince myself of all the reasons I absolutely didn't need to be there. It didn't take long though for me to recognize that I really did need to be there.
I've been regularly attending Celebrate Recovery on Wednesday nights for a little over 2 months. I never thought I would openly be sharing that information to a lot of people, but you know what? I'm not ashamed. I'm human, I have more skeletons in my closet then I care to admit, but I'm not the only one. Have I magically reached some huge epiphany already? No, I haven't, but I saw a quote on Facebook today that says "No matter how many mistakes you make, or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying.", that made me feel a lot better. I've been beating myself up pretty good the last few days, because in my mind, I haven't been 'recovering' fast enough. I shouldn't think that way though. I didn't get to where I'm at overnight. It's taken 24 years to accumulate my 'hurts, habits and hang-ups', they aren't going to be fixed in 2 months. I've made some wonderful friends through CR that I love very much, I consider them family, and I thank God for them. So I'm going to keep going to Celebrate Recovery on Wednesday nights, and even though it's hard, I'm proud of myself. And I know that mom would be proud of me too.
Since I'm talking about a Christ-centered recovery group, where does Christ fit into all this? Well, He fits into everything. First, let me back track a bit...
I was raised in a Christian house-hold, my mom being the most faithful and Christ like person I'll ever know. We used to go to church every Sunday, but around the time that mom was first diagnosed with cancer (I was 8), I started going to church more for mom then for me. I was angry with God for making mom sick, and the older I got, the more angry I was. Up until mom passed, I went to church solely for her, but once she passed I didn't go at all. I couldn't. I blamed God for her pain. Through Celebrate Recovery, my recovery family and a couple family friends, my heart and spirit have opened back up to God (and I'm sure God was working on my heart as well). I don't like labels, so I'm not going to slap the term "Christianity" on my beliefs. I'm just a follower and believer in Jesus Christ. Some of my beliefs don't mesh with traditional "Christianity", and that made me nervous at first. I don't want to be judged or told that God hates me because I don't think a certain way, or follow a certain set of ideas, but I've realized my personal relationship with Christ is what matters. Not what other people think.
My social circle is filled with people who follow many different religions or spiritual paths, so please do not take this as me trying to Bible beat you or me trying to convert you. That is not the case at all. One of the things I truly believe in is freedom of religion. Not just freedom, but also RESPECT. What works for me, may not work for someone else. I know people who are Catholic, Mormon, Athiest, Agnostic, Pagan, etc. I love you all, and I respect you all. My only request is that you can do the same for me. I may post something on Facebook that has a Bible verse, or a praise to God. That is not me forcing my beliefs upon you, just being who I am. I've spent too long being scared of what people will think about me if I show I'm a believer in Christ, but I'm not going to do that anymore. I shouldn't have to hide my beliefs like that.
Tonight, I'm going to church for the first time in a year...I'm ready. I'm ready to give all of my life to God, so that I can start being that light in the world I want to be. Maybe someday I can shine as bright as mom.
So...this year has been long, very hard, but also enlightening. The journey I'm on is probably the biggest one I'll ever be on, but I can just imagine how I'll feel when I make it to the other side. I'll still make plenty of mistakes, I'm sure I'll put my foot in my mouth (I'm good at that :P). I'll screw up, but the only difference will be is that I won't let my mistakes define who I am. I'll learn from them, and move on.
If you made it to the end of this...thanks for caring about me that much. I love you all very much, and I'm thankful to have such good people in my life. <3<3<3
Till next time...
