A little bit of everything...

It has been a fairly successful last couple days. I've had a bit of an issue overeating a bit, but I know what's caused it. Boredom. I am getting so freakin' bored in this house all day with nothing to do. Sigh. I got some new books though, so that should keep me occupied for all of a week. I am gonna go to the library though and get a library card so I can always have a steady supply of reading material.

Today was my first day back at Curves, and it felt really good! That's all the exercise I did today, but gotta start somewhere right?? I can't get the stupid Zumba Wii game to work. It comes with this belt you are supposed to wear, but the damn thing doesn't fit me! (Which as you can imagine made me feel really good about myself...) So, I don't know what to do. I can't return it cause it's open, but it won't work. So I guess one of my goals is to lose enough weight to fit in the stupid belt thing. I do still have that Biggest Loser Yoga and some walking DVDs so I'll do those and Curves for now. Or just turn on some music real loud when Patrick isn't home and dance around the house for an hour or so :]

Tried my juicer for the first time today. Used carrot, apple and beet. Seriously...beet is nasty!! Like...the vegetable of the devil. Or people with no taste buds. The beet also upset my stomach, which I read about but I thought it was if you ingested large amounts. I guess my stomach is predisposed to hate beets too. Needless to say, I won't be using beets anymore. I'm gonna try and look up some recipes, but I probably won't be able to juice very much as of now cause I have to use that money for actual food.

Still haven't heard back in regards to that job at Petsmart, which is really discouraging. I hate that these places won't even give me a chance. I have experience working with animals, not to mention and insane love and passion for animals, and I understand animals really well. I'd be a fantastic asset to these places, they would be lucky to have me, but for some reason what I have to offer just isn't good enough. There is nothing I want more than to work with animals, dogs in particular, but I don't know what to do. If I can't even get a job as a dog bather, how the hell am I going to succeed at an actual career with dogs/animals?? (This is probably my tendency to be really negative about myself talking) Something else I've considered doing off and on is becoming a elementary school teacher. I think I would enjoy it, but I know it wouldn't fulfill me as much as doing something with animals would. I just feel like Fresno is suffocating me....it's comfortable here, but I can't grow here anymore. How can I leave though? The thought of taking an adventure somewhere else scares me, and it's not like I can just go off on my own anymore.

I hate that I finally feel like I'm getting one aspect of my life heading in a positive direction, and then more crap seems to pop up. I wish mom were here. She would know what to say. She always had this way of putting everything in perfect perspective for me...making me believe that I really could do anything. I just miss her so much. Sometimes I wonder how I'm managing to get up out of bed in the morning, but I like to think it's cause she's there with me, lending me some of her amazing strength. I know the pain will never go away, but I hope one day it'll be easier.

I guess this blog is more of an update/ramble. A ramdate??  Not trying to be a negative pants, but this stuff has been weighing on my mind, and well, it is my blog after all :P It can't be all sunshine and rainbows all the time. Sometimes the sun gets covered with clouds, but it will always be back to shine brightly again.

A sense of pride!

I guess it doesn't take long for our brains to change how we think of, and view things...thank god for that!

Today was the day I had to go grocery shopping. I was secretly dreading it because, let's face it, temptation is at it's highest when walking by a box of chocolate chip cookies! To my surprise...I didn't crave anything! In fact, the only thing I craved was this amazing fruit salad with macadamia nut and orange sauce (I was actually planning on finally making this till I discovered macadamia nuts were over $12 a pound! -faints-).

I can honestly say that I left the grocery store with a sense of pride and accomplishment, and to top off an already good feeling, I got home and passed by Patrick's bag of chocolate chip cookies and instead went for the bag of watermelon in the fridge. Do I still have cravings?? Of course I do! But today gives me hope that they will all pass eventually, and my brain will look like this...

On another positive note dealing with exercise. I'm going to start going to Curves again this week, I also was able to get Zumba for the Wii. I'm really excited about the Zumba because I've always thought that it looked like so much fun. My plans for exercise are:

-Curves: 6 days a week
-Zumba: 6-7 days a week
-Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga: 3-4 days a week depending on my back

Of course, I may not start out doing that much, but the goal is to work up to that! All in all, I'm feeling good today! My accomplishments today might be small to some, but to me they were really big, and I'm proud of myself.

I just thought this picture was pretty. Makes me really want kiwis though...

<3

No one ever said it would be easy...

Self control: adjective - restraint exercised over one's own impulses, emotions or desires.

Well...I suck at it, but damn it! I didn't realize how hard keeping self control actually is when you are surrounded by people who don't have the same limitations you do. I don't expect everyone on the planet to adopt a whole foods vegan diet just because I did, nor do I expect anyone to babysit me while I try to work my way through this huge change, but...you know, I'm gonna be honest, I kinda just assumed people would at least try to help me out some by not eating delicious things I can't have in front of my face. You know what they say about when you assume, it makes an ass out of you and me! 

One thing is for sure...I'm not ready to be going out places to eat yet. It's like sending an alcoholic into a raging college party. It's also quite apparent that the modern world is not very vegan friendly, either in terms of cost, availability, etc. It's sad...everywhere you turn, somewhere is pushing you to be healthy and eat the right things, yet it's not cheap to eat healthy. Health isn't as profitable as a bunch of sick people I guess.  

People seem to associate being vegetarian or vegan with being very thin....I've seen a couple people already look at me like I'm some sort of freak because I'm an overweight vegan. Really? God, I know I'm overweight, I'm not happy about it, but maybe embarking on a plant-based diet is one way I'm trying to fix it! Judgmental people really rub me the wrong way. I've been judged all my life...it gets old after a while ya know?? 

This is just one of those days I guess. Tomorrow will be better. A new start. I rather love tomorrow's! 

I guess the biggest thing I need to remember, is that change is not supposed to be easy. It doesn't happen overnight. Every day is one more step towards a better life, I just have to keep fighting the good fight towards a better me! 

Who needs zoloft when you have food???

I've come to realize something today that's probably really important in this journey...I'm a pretty severe emotional eater. 

"Emotional eating is eating for reasons other than hunger. Instead of the physical symptom of hunger initiating the eating, an emotion triggers the eating." says Jane Jacubczak a registered dietician of the University of Maryland.


The fact that it's taking me this long to really come to this conclusion is almost unbelievable to me, but it makes so much sense. When I stop right now and think back, what I eat and how much I eat is directly related to my mood or what I'm going through in life. Take today as an example. It has been a particularly difficult day, and what have I been doing?? Eating. The other day I got really overwhelmed by something and what did I do?? I ate. What's bad is that I don't even realize it at the time I do it. It's only later, and then I feel like crap for eating what/how I did, and then I feel like I need to eat again because I feel like crap! Quite the catch 22 isn't it?? 


I first started struggling with my weight around the age of 10. My mom was first diagnosed with cancer when I was 10. When I look back at pictures...the times she was the most sick, were the times I gained the most weight. In fact, just within the last 6 months since my mom has passed away, I've gained about 30 lbs. or so. Some people take up drugs or alcohol to cope, obviously I took up food. Which....sucks. People can avoid drugs and alcohol, food is necessary for life. Food is everywhere I go. Unavoidable. It's almost as if the more weight I put on, the more I can run away from all the bad feelings.


So, I guess the biggest question is...what do I do? How do I stop associating food and emotions? How do I find the courage to start facing painful or negative emotions head on instead of masking them with food? 


One thing is for sure...I definitely need to figure it out, otherwise I'm fearful that I won't be able to stick with this new lifestyle. I'm fearful I'll fail. 


Thoughts anyone?


<3


     

Basic Introduction!

Welcome to "my blog". I never really considered myself a blog person, but I figured this is a good a place as any for me to write about my experiences. I tend to communicate better when I write, so maybe this will even allow people to understand me in a way they wouldn't otherwise...either way, welcome to the journey.

Sometimes, when I'm sitting home by myself, struggling to maintain my will power, I catch myself wondering "What the hell am I thinking?". It would be so much easier to just give in and go down the street and grab some Panda Express (I'm not gonna lie...I do miss me some orange chicken), but then I remember hearing someone say "Dying is easy...living is a pain in the ass.", it's such a true statement for me. It would truly be easy to just not care anymore and eat whatever I want and not worry about exercise..in which case I'm sure I'd be dead by 40. That's not what I want for my life though. I want to have a family, I want to have a career I love that I can do till I'm old and wrinkly, I want to feel good about myself and not have to constantly worry about what other people think of me. When it comes down to it....I WANT to live. Which ends up being all the motivation I really need.

So where am I at so far? Well, a week ago I committed myself to a whole foods plant based diet. Have I been perfect at it? Or course not. I've fallen off the band wagon a couple times, but what matters is I've gotten right back on. My taste buds are trying to adjust to healthier foods, my stomach is trying to adjust to having a smaller quantity of food, I'm just trying to adjust to being constantly aware of what I'm putting into my mouth. It's all an adjustment, but one I feel I'm doing fairly well with all things considering! Exercise has been a different matter...I just can't seem to find the motivation for it. That's something I need to work on I guess...

My life as of now, is a work in progress. Everyday has been a struggle, but I know it's a struggle worth fighting for. So here's to a healthier and happier life...may I find them on this journey towards a better me!