Does This Blog Make Me Look Fat?

This will probably be the most candid I will have ever been about my weight. Usually, I avoid all conversation about my weight like it's a plague. Or poke fun at my own weight, because that's always been easier then facing the truth. Easier then really facing how much it all hurt. Writting this will probably be one of the hardest things I've EVER done, I will probably cry, but I imagine it will be a theraputic cry. A lot of people might not understand some of the emotional aspects of all this, that's ok, you don't have to. You don't even really have to agree or like anything I say, this is more for me anyways. So, strap yourself in for a part of my story no one has really heard.

I wasn't always struggling with my weight. I was actually pretty stick like as a kid. A tall, string bean thanks to my every present growing sprees. I was always active. Before I got into basketball, my love was dance. I did ballet, tap, jazz, etc. I had to stop because my feet kept outgrowing the shoes and it was too expensive to keep ordering new ones. Around this time was when my mom first was diagnosed with cancer. I was 8. I think, when you're 8, you can't really understand something like cancer. How it can take a perfectly healthy person, and in a matter of weeks turn them into an almost ghost like shell of themselves. When I think back on this time, I can see that this was the time I turned to food. In a time when nothing was stable, food was a constant that never changed. An old friend, always there to dull some of the sadness, pain and worry I felt.

Some people think 'food addiction' is just a sorry excuse for lazy people that just don't want to change their eating habits or something. I promise you, it's not. 'Addiction' can be described as a persistent, compulsive, couter-productive behavior that is harmful to the individual. It is defininitely possible to develop that kind of relationship to food. Just as someone might turn to alcohol during a particularly difficult time in their life, to numb the pain, the same can be done with food. The only difference is, alcohol and drugs are not necessary for life. Unfortunately, food is inescapable. For me, food became the way I dealt with all the emotions that came from my mom being sick.

Food has a pesky consequence. The more you eat, the more you gain, and for some reason it is much easier to GAIN than it is to LOSE. Before I knew it I was bigger then everyone else in my class. Then the name calling starts. But, with the name calling, a sort of viscious cycle occurs...

Eat to dull emotion ---> Get made fun of at school for being overweight ---> Ouch. Being made fun of sucks and causes me more emotional pain ---> Eat more food to deal with being made fun of.

Eventually, I just got to the point where I didn't have very many friends. My entire 7th grade year, I spent more or less alone. When we moved from Southern California up to Shaver Lake just before 8th grade, things more or less started off the same. Not only was I the new kid in a small school, but I was the OVERWEIGHT new kid. Goodie. It was around this time that I discovered that a bigger personaility almost cancelled out my bigger stature. Suddenly, I had friends! I didn't stop eating though. I didn't change my relationship with food, or learn to deal with the pain I felt in a healthy way. So, while my ever growing personality appeared to make my life better, it also started my habit of blocking things out. Of acting like everything was fine when it wasn't. Of laughing off the remarks about my weight...and even joining in poking fun at myself.

In high school everything changes. Societies expectations of beauty almost seem to rule during those 4 years, but thanks to my personality, I still made a lot of friends. Friends who were gorgeous and thin. Friends who were going on dates and kissing boys. Friends who could wear cute clothes. Friends that could do everything I couldn't. I don't want to say I was jealous of them...but I started feeling very insecure. Eventually, I was the one saying mean things to myself, things worse then anyone else had ever said to me. You say those things to yourself enough and they become a part of you. I no longer defined myself by my personaility, I defined myself by my weight. My weight and food started to control my whole life and all of my thoughts. Going out with friends became something I did out of a feeling of responsibility, more then wanting to have fun. It's hard to enjoy going out and doing things when you always feel like people are staring at you, wondering how someone so 'fat' can be friends with people who are the exact opposite.

The contstant in all of this was my mom. The one person I never felt self-conscious around. The one person I knew loved me no matter what. She was still fighting cancer, and also fighting her own battles with self esteem, thanks to losing all of her hair, the chemo making her skin change and wrinkle, and other crap cancer causes. I always made sure though to tell her that she was beautiful, because she was. In every sense of the word, she was beautiful. I know I talk about mom in almost every single blog post, but that's just how much of a part of my life she was. I took it upon myself to take care of her and do whatever I could for her. To be strong for her. I couldn't stop to feel those hard emotions, or be scared. So I continued to turn to food. Food and my weight became the best security blanket of all for me. It made me strong enough to face cancer head on with mom. I don't know how she did it, but despite it all, she always made me feel beautiful, like I could accomplish anything. She had a way of doing that to people.

The cycle continued though...continued for a few years actually.

Then I met Patrick. Poor guy, I don't think he really knew what he was getting himself into. I had enough insecurities to fill up a dump truck, but he stuck by me. Piece by piece he helped me unravel some of the walls and insecurities I had baracaded myself with. Apparantly, he thought I was worth keeping. For years I had convinced myself that I was unlovable. That I was too fat to be loved. To have someone willingly choose me, and see past all the extra to see ME, is a gift I don't think I'm still entirely accustomed to. I am blessed beyond belief. Yet, despite his best efforts, I retained many of my insecurities and unhealthy relationship with food. What can I say? I'm stubborn.

A couple months ago, I started noticing that I was feeling like CRAP. Severe crap. Not just with insecurities and self-hatred, but physically. Just like that I realized how selfish I've been. Choosing not to take care of myself or value my life at all. To me, that was such an insult to mom. She fought for YEARS to live, and I was pretty much rushing to my death. Plus, I now have a husband who loves me and choose to spend his life with me. He deserves a whole life...not a quarter of one.

So, I asked myself, is food worth losing my life for? Is the temporary security of food worth never having kids? Never being able to do things I want to do?

No. It's not. And just like that everything changed.

So there I was, just under 350 lbs. (by the way, that is horrifying for me to admit), no clue how to start, but I did anyways. I put one foot in front of the other, and I haven't looked back.

It's been 1 month on this journey, but my journey is far from over. I do have a pretty significant amount of weight that I need to lose, but I've come to realize that it's not so much about the number for me. I mean, I'm almost 6' tall, I'm not expecting to ever be a size 6 or anything. All I want is to be healthy and to feel good about myself. Wether that's at 180 or 210 lbs. or whatever number it may be.

I've been eating healthy. I go to Curves 5 days a week and walk 3 miles everyday. I get up and exercise, even when I don't want to. I've worked through the pain of a knee injury and didn't let it keep me down. I'm changing how I think about food and starting the long process of changing how I think about myself. I'm making realistic goals for myself. Instead of ignoring feelings and shoving them away, I take the time to acknowledge them, to learn from them. I've come to accept that neither my weight or my emotional scars will be a quick fix. It's taken me many years to acquire these things, it will take time to lose them as well.

So, I guess you want to know what kinda numbers I made happen this month huh?

In one month, I have lost:

- 27.5 lbs
- 5 in. from my wait
- 5.5 in. from my abdomen
- 0.5 in. from my hips
- 2 in. from my thighs
- 2 in. from my bust (though I'm not convinced that's a good thing haha)
- 3% body fat
- Surprisingly I didn't lose anything from my arms, but I'm taking that as I sign that I need to focus        on that area a bit more.

I probably won't lose that much every month, and that's ok. What mattes is that I keep going, because even if the numbers don't always change, the inside of me is changing and getting stronger everyday. For every good decision I make, my body thanks me, and that is priceless. Food and my weight haven't done anything helpful for me, it's only held me back from living my life, it's time to change all that.

Before I end this wannabe novel, I just want to say thank you to all of my precious friends and family. All of you have chosen to see past all the 'extra' and see and love me for things that I often have never been able to see myself. You are all amazing jewels, and I treasure each of you greatly.

I don't know where I heard this from, but it's very true. "Listen closely: the only time it's too late to change yourself is when you're dead. Until then, you're simply making excuses or lying to yourself." It is NEVER too late to change. I am going to lose the weight. I am going to be happy with myself. No matter how long it takes...

The Complete Idiot's Guide to...Change?

Change is-a-brewing in my life. So in honor of that change, I decided to take a few minutes and reflect on a lot of things, and face head on some of this fear I've always had about change. The following is what I came up with. I hope if you're being faced with some change in your own life, that this can serve as a source of inspiration and positivity for you <3

Change never feels fair. It causes us to feel fear, even when we need things to change. We can’t keep on doing what we did before, as it just doesn’t seem to work anymore. The past is gone. When we have learned from yesterday...it is a waste not to move on...even when we miss what is gone.

The future has yet to come, and with change constantly turning things about, we can never count on our plans to take shape.

This is change.

Change is unpredictable. It is unforseeable. It can seem unreasonable...but it is what it is...a constant force that contributes to the creation of the universe.

Change can be harsh like a storm that comes on suddenly, as the forces of nature often do. Change can up-root you. It can spin you on your head. Sometimes it can make you wish that you were dead, as the changes brought on are so intense that you don’t have the time to even catch your breath. It can feel as if a tornado has ripped through your life, leaving you torn. This is how change can set you right on your ass, making you second guess everything.

But after the wildfires of change seem to destroy everything, this horrible pain leaves room for spontaneous growth, because when nothing is left, your life is like a blank canvas. You have a chance to make change your friend, because it didn’t kill you, it only remade you. You are stonger and wiser…smarter and faster...as you learned how to survive inspite of pain. Now you can see for miles as your souls landscape is laid bare...you are your own creation.

To survive change...to thrive through change...find love in everything. Live in your truth. Always remember to be you. Forgive yourself when you fall. When you lose your balance,  just forgive and get back up, and ride the wave. Always speak your truth. Search out and find what matters to you, because it is through finding what is real and living in your strength that you will find something to anchor your soul too.

It will, as it always does, become calm. The clouds will part, and the storm will move on to find another soul to teach its lessons too and you will be left with a new you. 

The Arrow

"What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" 

I have no idea who said that, or remember where I even saw it at, but that single phrase has haunted me for the last week. Fear of failure is something that I really struggle with, and has kept me from doing a lot of things. For some reason, seeing it written out like that kind of slapped me in the face and made me really stop and think about things. If success was guaranteed, what would I focus my energies on? What would I spend my time doing? What would I want to accomplish in my life? Granted, I know that failures are inevitable. As my high school music teacher used to say, "Don't quit because you are afraid to fail. Every time you fail you learn, and every time you learn you succeed." If only I could convince my brain of that!

Having such a fear of failure means that I have become a master at talking myself out of things and when small set backs happen, I turn them into something that represents complete and utter defeat. Good God, even writing that out sounds exhausting. How am I still sane? Well...sane is debatable I guess. I'm a rather odd character I think (*cough* ADD *cough*). 

If there is one thing I'm not short on...it's dreams.  All of which pertain to my one true love in life, which if you know me at all, you will know is animals. I have a list of things I want to accomplish a mile long, and what's more important is that I have the passion to back up these dreams. So what the hell is my problem? I've always been really interested in animal behavior, so I thought dog training would be great. Talked myself out of it. Discovered animal massage and aquatic therapy, wanted to create my own companion animal wellness center with massage, aquatic therapy and aromatherapy. Talked myself out of it. Found the only accredited university in the world that offers Associates, Bachelor and Masters degrees in canine studies. Talked myself out of it. How am I ever going to get ANYWHERE if I keep convincing myself I can't do these things? I mean, seriously, not to sound full of myself, but I would be amazing at all those things. So, again I have to ask what the hell is wrong with me? 

Dang. I feel like my life is just passing me by, and before I know it I'm going to be 50 and not have accomplished anything. Just a useless waste of space that could be put to better use by someone else. I mean, this is such a touchy subject with me that I actually lied to people I haven't seen since I graduated high school because I was to ashamed to admit that I have nothing really to show for the 7 years I've been out of high school. 

If I take a step back and look at things from outside myself, the common denominator I see in all of this is fear. A line from the new Will Smith movie coming out soon, called After Earth, has a rather powerful line in it about fear. It is as follows; 

"You must realize, that fear is not real. It is a product of thoughts you create. Do no misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice."

Man. What a powerful statement.

So, I guess what it all comes down to, is choice. Do I choose to be afraid. To view failures not as learning experiences, but as dead ends. To give up and settle. Or do I choose to pick myself back up, no matter how many times it takes. To look adversity in the eye and persevere. To go after my dreams and passions with everything I've got. After all, an arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. So when life is dragging me back with difficulties, that just means that it's going to launch me into something great. I just have to keep aiming. 

Alright world. Lets do this. 

The Box and the Road Untraveled.

If I stop to think about how I would describe a box, I guess I would describe it as a container with 3 or 4 sides that you would use to hold stuff. Not too complicated. Boxes can be useful things, but when we box ourselves, our Spirit suffers. Sometimes we box ourselves on purpose, sometimes we do it unconsciously. We can box in different things, for different reasons, I imagine it's different for everyone. For me, the main way I've found that I box myself in is Spiritually. This road to recovery ignited in me the realization that I had lost myself, and I was clueless as to where to find me. My whole life, I've invested into these roles I've been playing with such finality, that I had forgotten that they were just that...roles. In order for me to grow and evolve as a person, I would need to break down the walls of these very roles I've succumbed to. Break free of the expectations and preferences of those surrounding me. To truly discover myself, I would need to deconstruct the road I've been on, in order for me to forge my very own path. In essence...that is what this post is going to be about. 

If you read my last blog post, you'll recall me talking about needing to to discover who I am without mom. That's all still true of course, it's something I have to work on daily, but until quite recently, I've failed to really take a step back and examine the Spiritual side of my life. I kind of just settled into what was safe. Rather then ask myself the hard questions and create a spiritual practice that was uniquely my own. I went straight into what I knew, what was easy and most accessible...what I felt mom would want. That, obviously, would be Christianity. I threw myself into the fold with everything I had, doing all the things common to a Christian practice. Praying, going to church, submitting to God's will and control, reading the Bible, etc. etc. No matter how much I tried to connect and do things the way I was 'supposed' to, the more empty and disconnected I became. Neither of those feelings are particularly beneficial to a recovery journey. Instantaneously, I began to slide backwards. After months of hard work, and slow progress, old habits and attitudes were creeping back into the fold, and I began to finally ask those hard questions. I had to pick apart and reflect on every aspect of my thoughts and beliefs through a completely pure and unfiltered perspective, not letting the expectations or preferences of others sway the answers. It was at this point that I discovered the magnitude of the box I had created...and how much that box was extinguishing my spirit. 

The idea of having to go through a personal and spiritual crisis at the same time just seems almost unfair, but the two can't be separated. My spiritual identity is my sense of self. So no matter what it is I believe, my need to connect to the Divine Source is at my core. 

Now, I'm not going to go into any of my new spiritual journey in here, because it shouldn't matter what I believe or don't believe. I am still me. I am just trying to achieve the highest form of myself and to connect to that Divine energy, same as most everyone else, just in a different way. I think this life is about constant personal and spiritual evolution. I truly believe, that as we as people grow and change, so do our spiritual needs. To me, there are no fixed set of dogmatic beliefs, but that is just me. 

Since starting on this whole journey five months ago, my life has come to resemble an onion, very layered and complex, but who said life was supposed to be easy? Change is hard, but it is good. So at the start of a brand new chapter of my life, I say goodbye to the box of my past...and hello to the new and untraveled road of my future! 

As James Redfield said; 

"Our greatest mistake, in my opinion, is to think that human spirituality is somehow already understood and established. If history tells us anything, it is that human culture and knowledge are constantly evolving. Only individual opinions are fixed and dogmatic. Truth is more dynamic than that, and the great joy of life is in letting go, in finding our own special truth that is ours to tell, and then watching the synchronistic way this truth evolves and takes a clearer form, just when it's needed to impact someone's life."

2012. What a challenging year it was! As I'm sure everyone knows, mom passed away January 7, 2012. It'll be a year without her tomorrow, which is weird to think about. I never thought I could make it that long without her, and yet here I am. Still in one piece, maybe a little rough around the edges still, but I'm working on getting polished up. 

To say that her passing was hard on me would be the understatement of the century. I never knew my existence could be turned on its head so quickly. For anyone that has read the Twilight books, (Yes, I know, cheesy reference. Just bare with me.) you'll recall when Edward leaves Bella, the next few pages of the book have no text, just the name of a different month. She's more or less a skin shell walking around. If my life was a book...there would be about 7 or 8 pages with no text...just the name of a month. Sometimes there would be almost unimaginable pain. Sometimes there would be crippling guilt, because in my mind, if I would've done something differently, mom would still be here. Sometimes there would be anger. Most of the time though, there was nothingness. A big black hole floating around inside me, but that was better than the pain. I know it probably didn't seem like that at all to people looking in from the outside, but I've had years of practice at acting like things are ok when they're not. 

Eventually, and after much argument with myself, I decided that it would be beneficial for me to start seeing a therapist. This was around the beginning of October. It's amazing to me that just saying stuff out loud can provide so much clarity and open up the mind for new ideas and revelations about ones self. I've discovered more stuff about myself then I went in for, but you know what? That's ok. I'm glad, because I need it. One of the most important things I've discovered, is that I need to figure out who I am without mom. I spent most of my life helping to take care of her, she was my entire world. Every thought, action, or move I made I did with her in the forefront of my mind. When we weren't living in the same house, I called and talked to her every single day, sometimes twice a day. She was literally, my entire world, she was how I defined myself.  To lose that has been so disorienting, but it's forced me to really work on ME. 

My second week of therapy, my therapist told me about a place called Celebrate Recovery, which is a Christ-centered recovery program for all of life's 'hurts, habits and hang-ups'. I went home, and did some research on it and went to my first meeting the very next day. Conveniently, there is a church that has that program 5 minutes from where I live. I was absolutely horrified the first time I walked through the doors. There I was. Not knowing anyone, feeling like a crazy person, trying to convince myself of all the reasons I absolutely didn't need to be there. It didn't take long though for me to recognize that I really did need to be there. 

I've been regularly attending Celebrate Recovery on Wednesday nights for a little over 2 months. I never thought I would openly be sharing that information to a lot of people, but you know what? I'm not ashamed. I'm human, I have more skeletons in my closet then I care to admit, but I'm not the only one. Have I magically reached some huge epiphany already? No, I haven't, but I saw a quote on Facebook today that says "No matter how many mistakes you make, or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying.", that made me feel a lot better. I've been beating myself up pretty good the last few days, because in my mind, I haven't been 'recovering' fast enough. I shouldn't think that way though. I didn't get to where I'm at overnight. It's taken 24 years to accumulate my 'hurts, habits and hang-ups', they aren't going to be fixed in 2 months. I've made some wonderful friends through CR that I love very much, I consider them family, and I thank God for them. So I'm going to keep going to Celebrate Recovery on Wednesday nights, and even though it's hard, I'm proud of myself. And I know that mom would be proud of me too. 

Since I'm talking about a Christ-centered recovery group, where does Christ fit into all this? Well, He fits into everything. First, let me back track a bit...

I was raised in a Christian house-hold, my mom being the most faithful and Christ like person I'll ever know. We used to go to church every Sunday, but around the time that mom was first diagnosed with cancer (I was 8), I started going to church more for mom then for me. I was angry with God for making mom sick, and the older I got, the more angry I was. Up until mom passed, I went to church solely for her, but once she passed I didn't go at all. I couldn't. I blamed God for her pain. Through Celebrate Recovery, my recovery family and  a couple family friends, my heart and spirit have opened back up to God (and I'm sure God was working on my heart as well). I don't like labels, so I'm not going to slap the term "Christianity" on my beliefs. I'm just a follower and believer in Jesus Christ. Some of my beliefs don't mesh with traditional "Christianity", and that made me nervous at first. I don't want to be judged or told that God hates me because I don't think a certain way, or follow a certain set of ideas, but I've realized my personal relationship with Christ is what matters. Not what other people think. 

My social circle is filled with people who follow many different religions or spiritual paths, so please do not take this as me trying to Bible beat you or me trying to convert you. That is not the case at all. One of the things I truly believe in is freedom of religion. Not just freedom, but also RESPECT. What works for me, may not work for someone else. I know people who are Catholic, Mormon, Athiest, Agnostic, Pagan, etc. I love you all, and I respect you all. My only request is that you can do the same for me. I may post something on Facebook that has a Bible verse, or a praise to God. That is not me forcing my beliefs upon you, just being who I am. I've spent too long being scared of what people will think about me if I show I'm a believer in Christ, but I'm not going to do that anymore. I shouldn't have to hide my beliefs like that. 

Tonight, I'm going to church for the first time in a year...I'm ready. I'm ready to give all of my life to God, so that I can start being that light in the world I want to be. Maybe someday I can shine as bright as mom. 

So...this year has been long, very hard, but also enlightening. The journey I'm on is probably the biggest one I'll ever be on, but I can just imagine how I'll feel when I make it to the other side. I'll still make plenty of mistakes, I'm sure I'll put my foot in my mouth (I'm good at that :P). I'll screw up, but the only difference will be is that I won't let my mistakes define who I am. I'll learn from them, and move on. 

If you made it to the end of this...thanks for caring about me that much. I love you all very much, and I'm thankful to have such good people in my life. <3<3<3 

Till next time...